A Message from The River Thief

The River Thief, as seen from her Hotel Room

Humans. Once upon a time, before televisions, all they wanted to do was go up the path to pick berries, and back again. They would light they fires to keep warm and prolly sing songs together, and dance roundybout, and then get up the next day, to do it all again.  

Olden Days Boobless Humans Dancing Round the Fire

Humans. They have always been getting things from the river, and putting things in the river. Since the beginnings of them, after they was monkeys, but before they was machines, they are putting sacred givings into the river.

Sometimes the givings was some nice flowers, sometimes it was some bones, sometimes it was some bones with bits attached, but it was always what they could find and thought would be nice and make sure the River Thief put all the River back after she was done with it. Now, don’t start asking me what she does with it, it’s a Ladies prerogative and it’s rude to ask a lady questions like that.

Imaginative and Natural Givings to thank the River Thief for her Moral Choices

Humans. If you put something dead good in, the River Thief, after she is taking away the river, is always putting the River back, twice a day, no more and no less. She is taking your dead good thing and putting it back all squished up and eaten by fishes, what poo it out and then it is food for the plants and bees.

Humans, being creatures of habit, have never stopped putting givings into the River, fully believing this is the only reason why it returns. Thank you, River Thief! They say, when she puts the water back with some tasty fish scribbins in it too. 

Happy Fish, Fat from Scribbins

After some long times had happened, humans discovered they wanted to go further than up the path to pick berries and back again. And that’s why they invented televisions and cars and computers. To make all these clever things they have to dig up old bones what they used to throw in the River which is now FOSSIL FUELS and they make things out of it what never go away, not even for a hundred years, and not even by the River Thief, she is quite cross about it too. She is getting so fed up with it. She actually thinks your givings are rubbish these days. Which lets face it, they literally are. She says, and I am sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but she is saying if you don’t stop it one of those days she’s not putting that River Back Ever Again. 

Highly Displeased River Thief

Humans. Just to be absolutely clear about this, she says, she doesn’t want your plastic bottles as givings. She doesn’t want your car tyres or shopping trolleys. She doesn’t want your tin cans or mobly phones, or your tescopoly plastic bags. She doesn’t want your traffic cones, or your old shoes, or your bin bags full of We’re-not-looking-in-there-to-find-out-what. You know what she says she doesn’t even want ANY GIVINGS ANY MORE until you is working this out for yourselves. She’s quite adamant about that. 

Crappy Skanky Offerings NOT WELCOME

Lastly, she is saying that all the smaller humans prolly know best and all the Bigger Humans have to do is ask them what is best, like, Do you want the River to Go Away For Ever? And if they are smart those small humans will say Of Course Not, we like Paddling in there Instead, and it is Fun Looking at Fish and seeing Otters and Baby Seals, and it is not fun when they’ve got dressed up in plastic bags because they don’t come in Size 10 or 12 they come in Size That’s-Too-Tight and This-Colour-Is-All-Wrong-For-My-Skin-Tone, and they don’t look happy about that at all. 

Clever Kids Know Their Shit

So, basically listen to the smaller humans and help their happy dreams come true. Then, hopefully our River Thief won’t be trundling off to waters new on her Moon Ship and everything will be as it always has been, forever and ever and ever.